Plunging.

I have returned to seek comfort in words of a page no one reads but desperately hope one will. The past two days have been too good to be true, my moods have been tremendous: singing, laughing, using my imagination, seeing hope in my feeble little life. As always such feelings of change have abandon me and once again i'm falling down a well that only ends in my death.

I am in pain, but do not compare my suffering to that of a broken leg for that is a lie. My suffering is through a cold, dark presence that clings to my bones. As some might say they're illnesses 'talks' to them, this is not true for me, i only hear a voice of my own, but my voice is saying things i don't want it to say because of the fog, the darkness, that latches on to every part of me.

I don't believe anyone truly knows me.. i am a monster concealed in the body of a teenage girl. So many surpressed urges enough to scare everyone away for good. I am a monster yet i can love, but i deserve no love. I mutilate my body out of anger for my existance. I deserve pain, i am not human, i do not deserve the human right of safety and health.

The most worrying thought is that i hold my self in such little regard that even the people who would be claimed to be the most horrible, monstrous, violent, cruel people are better, kinder, smarter than me.
How can that be true though? my logic continuously battles for my sanity, for my freedom! but it is no match for the darkness inside me.

no matter how much medication. no matter how much therapy.
i am nothing but a lost cause, a burden.