He just understands me & i understand him. I wrote my feelings to him, but i don't think he understands how serious i'm being.

so excited for my birthday

i normally hate my birthday , but this years so different! my parents are making such a fuss of me and all my friends are gonna celebrate it with me! and i'm getting my P's and life is getting so good all of a sudden!

i am so incredibly happy.

Back to the old me!

omg. that 2 weeks of utter depression was a nightmare but thank the lord it is gooooooooone! i'm happy and motivated and life is looking beautiful and omg so many things to look forward too!! <3

I'm getting a job, going back to school, getting my horse next year, celebrating my birthday with all my friends have been supporting me like crazy, even the ones i least expected.

Tackling my route problems in therapy and i'm excited, i'm determined to overcome them!

I JUST WANNA HI-FIVE EVERYONE.

i got this :) peace ya'll

can't wait to be chucked into hospital for months and stop talking to everyone and refuse my meds and waste away.

life.

Smoked up today, the problem with me smoking is once i sober up i feel shit, my problems are all i think about and how i can just be normal.

6 days till birthday.. in all honesty thats the only thing keeping me from slitting my wrist. i want to celebrate my 17th, then whatever.

I saw a good mate today. always been so lovely to me... always liked me too, but i can't do relationships right now, and he barely knows me.. he treats me like gold. absolute gold. but wants again i know im not good enough for anyone and besides, he'll leave like everyone else anyway. i am too much for people to handle. i should stop being so selfish and become a hermit.

haven't cut in a while... i'm tempted but i don't think i would know when to stop.

Trying to get my life back on track

step 1. watch othello the movie, i can do that! i mean how can i possibly stuff something like that up?

i want to be happy and i am determined to find happiness.

Him.

I want him to stop talking to me, he knows how i feel about him so why taunt me when he knows how much i'm dealing with already, how close i am to falling over the edge.
I realise that leading people into relationships with me is selfish just because i enjoy the idea of them, i'm a complicated, unstable person and unless you're a psychiatrist theres no way you can handle me. I can't have anyone but my parents responsible for me.

Which hurts me inside, because loving someone regardless of their flaws is where i'm brilliant for i have no right to judge. I am condemned to be lonely forever.

i am becoming obsessed with harry potter.

and i wish i meant fan girl type. but im actually becoming addicted and i hope it doesn't consume me and become one of my lovely little ocd things.

Plunging.

I have returned to seek comfort in words of a page no one reads but desperately hope one will. The past two days have been too good to be true, my moods have been tremendous: singing, laughing, using my imagination, seeing hope in my feeble little life. As always such feelings of change have abandon me and once again i'm falling down a well that only ends in my death.

I am in pain, but do not compare my suffering to that of a broken leg for that is a lie. My suffering is through a cold, dark presence that clings to my bones. As some might say they're illnesses 'talks' to them, this is not true for me, i only hear a voice of my own, but my voice is saying things i don't want it to say because of the fog, the darkness, that latches on to every part of me.

I don't believe anyone truly knows me.. i am a monster concealed in the body of a teenage girl. So many surpressed urges enough to scare everyone away for good. I am a monster yet i can love, but i deserve no love. I mutilate my body out of anger for my existance. I deserve pain, i am not human, i do not deserve the human right of safety and health.

The most worrying thought is that i hold my self in such little regard that even the people who would be claimed to be the most horrible, monstrous, violent, cruel people are better, kinder, smarter than me.
How can that be true though? my logic continuously battles for my sanity, for my freedom! but it is no match for the darkness inside me.

no matter how much medication. no matter how much therapy.
i am nothing but a lost cause, a burden.

Nightmares

I just want them to stop, every night i work my self up over things that aren't really happening yet i can't tell whats real and what isn't

I feel like i'm losing my marbles... but then again i lost those ages ago didn't i?

late night panic.

I WILL NOT LOSE ONE OF MY ONLY FRIENDS.

god danm it, i will fight for you, you are not leaving me.

you're one of the only good things in my life and even though thats a selfish reason idc.

it's not your time.

if reality is perception and fantasy is perception , what separates their meanings?

My birthday

just came up with the most brilliant idea for my birthday!

it's gonna be quite a project and i hope everyone will enjoy it!

time to call in my recruits (a.k.a) amazing friends & start planning!!

WHY IS POTTER MORE NOT WORKING :'(

So proud to be in Gryffindor <3

I need something to get through the days.

Yes i have school work to occupy me but with that comes nothing but stress and destructive emotions.

so instead i have somehow unlocked an imagination i never knew i had and am creating a fantasy world which i will eventually turn into a book!

i'm not writing to be famous or anything. I just suddenly found my imagination and now want to utilise it!

especially as these days, i don't have much i want to do despite having more options then most.

Today!

Just woke up (10am) & i have one main goal in which to achieve today.


To finish my math paper. 


I have been putting this off for months now as i will admit that i am terrified of never living up to my own expectations and never being good enough for anyone else. This once controlled fear has now turned my life to chaos as i feel that school is too overwhelming and now despise it.


I must over come it.... but can i?

Quote.

‎'I see now that the circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.' - Mewtwo

Contemplation

I can't tell if i'm getting weaker or stronger.


My life just feels so unstable and i guess that stability has to be found within.


how am i going to achieve that? I am not sure.

Truth be told.

This is the most accurate representation of the Australian schooling system.

Hello!

There's not much to say for now except that at the present moment, spilling my; ambitions, goals and thoughts to people i may or may not know seems awfully appealing !